We walk into the assembly hall. The students are patiently sitting, waiting, anticipating our arrival. We are greeted with eyes of curiosity. Some of the locked eyes are coupled with a jump of the eyebrows, showing the affection and acceptance. Other eyes are joined with welcoming smiles. As we walk through the parted sea of children, my heart swells. I barely know these children and I love them. “Break my heart for what breaks yours” - God is answering my prayer.
We take our seats at the head of the assembly. I nervously sit down. Sitting down is a commitment. Am I ready for sitting here for the duration of this gathering? Of course I am- but why do I feel unsettled? My heart yearns for more. For more connection. For more provision for these children. For more peace in this nation. My mind darts back to the place we are sitting just as Principle Peter directs his open hand in my direction, saying something in Dinka. His hand progresses along the line of my fellow brothers and the children applaud.
My heart jumps. NO! I should be applauding you, sweet, innocent children! Look at all that you have endured! Look at all that you have lived through. You see me as the White Savior, but I am nothing. I am only here with the desperate hope of being a mere vessel. Do not look at me with expectant eyes. The pressure is too great. Look to Jesus, dear ones. Look to our true provider.
There is a shuffle. I realize there are phones out, digitally marking this moment for us through picture and video. I take mine out and snap-snap-snap, taking in my surrounding as best I can. I need to share this moment with my people! I need to share this moment with Clancy! With my church! People come and see, the Lord is at work here!!
Then the shuffle solidifies into a murmur- no- a hum… wait… now its a song. The children are singing. The phones are recording the song. Their sweet voices fill the air and my heart expands. In the blink of an eye, my mind darts, races, explores...
My heart is expanding?? How could it expand, Lord? I already love the children in the townships of South Africa where the hope for a better life was just across the railroad tracks, where the Gospel was distorted, where terrible things had been done with the Bible leading the charge, where you took me in 2010.
Lord, I already love the workers on the farm in Ghana where you had me in 2012. Father they just want to provide for their families! They want to Prosper! Oh, Lord, why couldn’t you have let me uphold the promises I made to those people. I thought that was where you were calling us to move.
But no, you took me to Malaysia. You broke my heart in ways I never thought it could be broken. You showed me your love for Muslims. Lord, you gave Clancy and I the story of Rokia. We already love Rokia. Why couldn’t we have gone there? Why, Lord? But no- you had to show us Turkey, too. You had to take me to the top of that castle, with the sounds of the beautiful culture of the place where your church first started to take root, in a place that does not call you King. Oh Father… my heart already loves the people of Turkey. Why couldn’t we have gone there?
But you had to bring me to South Sudan. I love South Sudan. I love these children, Father. Why couldn’t you have just brought me here to begin with? This is what I always wanted! I wanted to do community development and share the Gospel. That’s what they’re doing here in the most raw way. This is it, Father! Why do you do this to me???
My mind blinks back to the song. I must mark this moment. The question still ringing in my mind. “Why do you do this to me?” The singing crescendos and I see this little girl, in the front row.
Dear, sweet little girl. What hardships have you seen? What is your name? Maybe you wear your name. For to me you are simply that. You are LOVE.
LORD, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TEACH ME RIGHT NOW??
YOUR HEART IS TOO BIG FOR ONE PLACE.
YOUR HEART IS TOO BIG FOR ONE PLACE?
Your heart is too big for one place.
Wow… My heart IS too big for one place.
I am on the right path. I am here, now, following my Father’s will. I will continue. My heart IS too big for one place. You have broken my heart for what breaks yours, Lord. You have answered my prayer. Please don’t stop. But please take it easy on me… I’m not you… Just help me love like you. Sustain me, Father.
I blot the tears out of the corner of my eyes and embrace the flood of confidence, finding comfort in the familiar feeling of a renewed vision. The teacher’s are moving around now, organizing school supplies. Ok, Trevin… Back to the now. Be present. And don’t forget to take pictures!
My heart is too big for one place.
For more reasons than I can figure out, the smile won’t drop from my face.